janparviainenI did once. I went to a bar, and there at the counter sat a truly stunning woman. Like a doll – very delicate and an incredibly beautiful face. So naturally, I sat down next to her, tried to look manly, and asked, “May I buy you a drink?” The lady got annoyed and gave … Read more
I’ve decided to offer one lucky single woman an unforgettable romantic weekend getaway to London early next year. Since there will no doubt be a flood of interested participants, a qualifying round will be held to ensure only the crème de la crème makes it through. The selection will be in three stages—three separate dates—each … Read more
At last, the long-awaited first kid-free break of the year has arrived. It’s only been a few hours, and I’ve already ticked off my carefully curated bucket list of guilty pleasures: Ripped open a bag of candy as loudly as possible, then abandoned it on the living room table. Went to the bathroom with the … Read more
I once had a girlfriend. I told her, “You’re wonderful.” She replied, “Words don’t matter—only actions do.” I told her, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” She replied, “Words don’t matter—only actions do.” I told her, “I love you,” and she replied, “Words don’t matter—only actions do.” I loved her … Read more
I received a letter by email saying that a criminal had managed to hack into my computer. He claimed to have seen from my browser history that I had visited porn sites and had even recorded me via my computer’s camera while I was touching myself. He then threatened that if I didn’t pay, he … Read more
I was reading my diary, reminiscing about old dates. There is one I’ll never forget: I’m really pissed off. Tinder. Do I need to say more? I’ll tell you anyway. I found a woman on Tinder. Pretty, nice, everything good. We decided to go on a date. Drinks at a local restaurant. I went a … Read more
Last summer I was on vacation in Venice. Over 30 degrees Celsius (86 F) every day. My groin was sweating so much that after walking all day, by the evening the folds of my groin were chafed completely red. Now I’m planning to go to Italy again. Having learned from last summer’s experiences, I googled … Read more
From now on, I’m not going to talk about romantic things to them. I’m going to rely on science. When I get a woman to stay overnight, I wait until she’s asleep and then put a nicotine patch on her back. In the morning, before she wakes up, I remove it. After a couple weeks … Read more
My friend John had been thinking that it might be nice to get a little frisky with his wife, Jane, in the evening, so he decided to send her a romantic and slightly naughty message from work, wondering if he might get lucky tonight. He had read in some women’s magazine that it’s a good … Read more
One of my ex-wives had an annoying habit. Now and then, when I was watching TV in the evening, she kissed me on the cheek and said, “I’m going to bed.” And I mean around 9 pm! Usually, we went to bed around midnight. For at least an hour, when I was watching a movie, … Read more
