I once had a girlfriend. I told her, “You’re wonderful.” She replied, “Words don’t matter—only actions do.” I told her, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” She replied, “Words don’t matter—only actions do.” I told her, “I love you,” and she replied, “Words don’t matter—only actions do.” I loved her … Read more
I was reading my diary, reminiscing about old dates. There is one I’ll never forget: I’m really pissed off. Tinder. Do I need to say more? I’ll tell you anyway. I found a woman on Tinder. Pretty, nice, everything good. We decided to go on a date. Drinks at a local restaurant. I went a … Read more
From now on, I’m not going to talk about romantic things to them. I’m going to rely on science. When I get a woman to stay overnight, I wait until she’s asleep and then put a nicotine patch on her back. In the morning, before she wakes up, I remove it. After a couple weeks … Read more
My friend John had been thinking that it might be nice to get a little frisky with his wife, Jane, in the evening, so he decided to send her a romantic and slightly naughty message from work, wondering if he might get lucky tonight. He had read in some women’s magazine that it’s a good … Read more
