janparviainen My human just lies there, even though I’ve been standing next to the bed whining sweetly for at least three minutes. Finally, he gets up, sighs, and says, “Could’ve slept in longer this weekend.” Well, yes, but I want to go outside! I trot to the front door to wait while he gets dressed like … Read more
This happened over 20 years ago. I was at the Heureka Science Centre with my kids. There was a microscope set up where you could look at bull sperm. Next to it was a sign that said, “Live sperm available from the guide.” I turned to the gentleman standing nearby and asked, “Could we get … Read more
I’ve just learned that a fake AI-generated advertisement is being circulated on social media using my name. It’s a vile attempt to deceive people by exploiting my good reputation. In this ad, a character impersonating me promotes an unbelievably profitable cryptocurrency investment, promising returns of thousands of percent annually. Worse yet, the character offers women … Read more
Today was my first time taking a drug test. Not the fun kind where they try different substances—the kind where you pee in a cup while a nurse watches you like a hawk, then they analyze it to see if you’ve been using. I prepared thoroughly. Drank lots of water, avoided the bathroom, and came … Read more
I did once. I went to a bar, and there at the counter sat a truly stunning woman. Like a doll – very delicate and an incredibly beautiful face. So naturally, I sat down next to her, tried to look manly, and asked, “May I buy you a drink?” The lady got annoyed and gave … Read more
I’ve decided to offer one lucky single woman an unforgettable romantic weekend getaway to London early next year. Since there will no doubt be a flood of interested participants, a qualifying round will be held to ensure only the crème de la crème makes it through. The selection will be in three stages—three separate dates—each … Read more
At last, the long-awaited first kid-free break of the year has arrived. It’s only been a few hours, and I’ve already ticked off my carefully curated bucket list of guilty pleasures: Ripped open a bag of candy as loudly as possible, then abandoned it on the living room table. Went to the bathroom with the … Read more
I once had a girlfriend. I told her, “You’re wonderful.” She replied, “Words don’t matter—only actions do.” I told her, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” She replied, “Words don’t matter—only actions do.” I told her, “I love you,” and she replied, “Words don’t matter—only actions do.” I loved her … Read more
I received a letter by email saying that a criminal had managed to hack into my computer. He claimed to have seen from my browser history that I had visited porn sites and had even recorded me via my computer’s camera while I was touching myself. He then threatened that if I didn’t pay, he … Read more
I was reading my diary, reminiscing about old dates. There is one I’ll never forget: I’m really pissed off. Tinder. Do I need to say more? I’ll tell you anyway. I found a woman on Tinder. Pretty, nice, everything good. We decided to go on a date. Drinks at a local restaurant. I went a … Read more
