Being alone can affect your psyche in the strangest ways imaginable.
I’ve been single for a long time. I enjoy being single and have no desire to be in a relationship. But yesterday, when a couple of friends were visiting the Helsinki metropolitan area and came to stay the night at my place, I discovered a very strange side of myself, one that I’m deeply ashamed of.
We were watching a movie in the evening. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed them holding hands, smiling at each other, and occasionally kissing. I suddenly felt absolutely awful. My heart started pounding, the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end, and I began to sweat. For a moment, I actually thought I was having a heart attack. It was horrible.
I was so relieved when the movie finally ended and we went to bed. But things only got worse from there. The wall between our bedrooms is paper-thin, and even the slightest sounds carry through it. I lay in bed, trying not to think about anything, but every now and then I caught myself straining my ears to see if I could hear anything coming from their room. My imagination was running wild, and I was convinced they were kissing and having sex in there. I felt horribly uncomfortable, sweated my sheets absolutely soaking wet, and didn’t get a wink of sleep all night.
The worst part came in the morning, when I was exhausted and making breakfast for us all. They went into the shower together! Once again, my imagination went into overdrive. I could practically see them soaping each other up in there. My hands were shaking so badly that I spilled hot coffee down the front of my shirt.
I thought about it for a long time and couldn’t come up with any other explanation than that I was jealous. Jealous that someone had found love, someone they felt good with, someone they genuinely loved. I would never in a million years have imagined that I could turn into this kind of person. I was enormously relieved when they finally left.
Next time Emma and Olivia are in the area, I’ll suggest they get a hotel.