Recently, I gave women advice on how to impress a man on a first date. Now for the follow-up: how to make sure he doesn’t disappear into thin air once he’s gotten laid—aka, the guide to a perfect first time.
Once you’ve got the man back at your place and decided it’s time to get under the covers, there are a few simple things you can do to make sure it won’t be just a one-time thing, but that he’ll definitely come back.
First, make sure you have an unopened jar of pickles. It can be something else, as long as it’s the kind of jar that sometimes takes a real struggle to open. Pick one that goes with whatever food you’re serving (it doesn’t matter what it is—he won’t remember the food tomorrow if he gets sex). Pretend you’re trying to open it, then hand it to him and say, “This is so tight, I just don’t have the strength.” The man will jump up, open the jar like it’s easy, and then you say, “Wow, you’re so strong.” Naturally, you’ve already opened it once beforehand, so there’s no awkward moment where the poor guy strains and huffs but can’t get it open.
Then, when it feels like it might be time to move to the bedroom, glance at your phone and tell him a friend is calling. Pretend you’re talking to your friend: “So he carried you into the bedroom, threw you onto the bed, and took you hard? Oh, that sounds amazing. You’re so lucky to have found a man like that. But you’re so light that anyone could carry you—I doubt anyone could carry me.” Then say goodbye and quickly toss the phone onto the sofa, because the man will come toward you like a steam locomotive, scoop you up, and off you go. (Skip this if you suspect his back or knees can’t handle it.)
Once the foreplay is over and it’s time to move on, look at his penis, then at his face, then at his penis again, and say in a slightly nervous voice, “You will be careful with that, won’t you? I’ve never had one that big before.” Note: only use this if you’re sure you want that man to be a lifelong nuisance you can’t get rid of, no matter what you do.
To put the finishing touch on it, send him a message a couple of days later about something trivial—ask, for example, what the difference is between a screwdriver and a Phillips screwdriver. Then casually work into the conversation: “It’s still a little difficult to walk, and I think my period might be coming soon too, because my breasts are ridiculously swollen.” He’ll be at your door fifteen minutes later, out of breath and sweating.
Then all that’s left is to start planning the wedding!