Kid-Free Time

My long-awaited first kid-free moment of the year started a few hours ago. And I’ve already done everything I planned to do:

• Loudly opened a bag of candy and left it unguarded on the living room table

• Left the bathroom door wide open while taking a dump

• Walked around the entire apartment without pants

• Watched porn in the living room and touched myself

• Sang the entire Moomin theme song—loudly—while making coffee

And now I need to figure out what else to do, since the kid will be gone for several days.