Recently, I gave women advice on how to impress a man on a first date. Now for the follow-up: how to make sure he doesn\u2019t disappear into thin air once he\u2019s gotten laid\u2014aka, the guide to a perfect first time.
Once you\u2019ve got the man back at your place and decided it\u2019s time to get under the covers, there are a few simple things you can do to make sure it won\u2019t be just a one-time thing, but that he\u2019ll definitely come back.
First, make sure you have an unopened jar of pickles. It can be something else, as long as it\u2019s the kind of jar that sometimes takes a real struggle to open. Pick one that goes with whatever food you\u2019re serving (it doesn\u2019t matter what it is\u2014he won\u2019t remember the food tomorrow if he gets sex). Pretend you\u2019re trying to open it, then hand it to him and say, \u201cThis is so tight, I just don\u2019t have the strength.\u201d The man will jump up, open the jar like it\u2019s easy, and then you say, \u201cWow, you\u2019re so strong.\u201d Naturally, you\u2019ve already opened it once beforehand, so there\u2019s no awkward moment where the poor guy strains and huffs but can\u2019t get it open.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then, when it feels like it might be time to move to the bedroom, glance at your phone and tell him a friend is calling. Pretend you\u2019re talking to your friend: \u201cSo he carried you into the bedroom, threw you onto the bed, and took you hard? Oh, that sounds amazing. You\u2019re so lucky to have found a man like that. But you\u2019re so light that anyone could carry you\u2014I doubt anyone could carry me.\u201d Then say goodbye and quickly toss the phone onto the sofa, because the man will come toward you like a steam locomotive, scoop you up, and off you go. (Skip this if you suspect his back or knees can\u2019t handle it.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Once the foreplay is over and it\u2019s time to move on, look at his penis, then at his face, then at his penis again, and say in a slightly nervous voice, \u201cYou will be careful with that, won\u2019t you? I\u2019ve never had one that big before.\u201d Note: only use this if you\u2019re sure you want that man to be a lifelong nuisance you can\u2019t get rid of, no matter what you do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
To put the finishing touch on it, send him a message a couple of days later about something trivial\u2014ask, for example, what the difference is between a screwdriver and a Phillips screwdriver. Then casually work into the conversation: \u201cIt\u2019s still a little difficult to walk, and I think my period might be coming soon too, because my breasts are ridiculously swollen.\u201d He\u2019ll be at your door fifteen minutes later, out of breath and sweating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then all that\u2019s left is to start planning the wedding!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Recently, I gave women advice on how to impress a man on a first date. Now for the follow-up: how to make sure he doesn\u2019t disappear into thin air once he\u2019s gotten laid\u2014aka, the guide to a perfect first time. Once you\u2019ve got the man back at your place and decided it\u2019s time to get … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1568","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dirtyoldman.blog\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1568","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dirtyoldman.blog\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dirtyoldman.blog\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dirtyoldman.blog\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dirtyoldman.blog\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1568"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/dirtyoldman.blog\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1568\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1569,"href":"https:\/\/dirtyoldman.blog\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1568\/revisions\/1569"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dirtyoldman.blog\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1568"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dirtyoldman.blog\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1568"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dirtyoldman.blog\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1568"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}